How to understand that you are being used: 7 alarming signs

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships where we feel uncomfortable, but we can't understand what's happening. It's easier for us to deny reality and tell ourselves that it's just our insecurities. After all, it's hard to accept that those we trust and consider close friends are only pretending to care about us because they actually need something from us.

For SSPDaily, psychotherapist Ilya Poludyonyi told us how to understand if you are in a relationship or friendship with a user.

Everything seems fine at first

Such cases often happen at work. A so-called friendship arises, and before you know it, you're doing a project for your new friend at night because they have some kind of relationship trauma and can't get their work done. And you, being a friend, help them out. But once the project is done, your friendship disappears, and you find yourself alone, questioning what's wrong with you. Let's get one thing straight – there's nothing wrong with you. You just fell into the trap of a user who takes advantage of people to make their lives easier.

Minimal signs of attention

Yes, they show some signs of attention from time to time, but usually, these are insignificant gestures that cost them nothing. For instance, they might give you a pebble from the beach, accompanied by a romantic story. They do this so that you can't refuse any of their requests later on. Be prepared to pay back with emotional service, your time, and energy.

They only notice you when they need to

You spend time with this person only when it suits them. It's normal for them not to respond to your messages, keep in touch, or make time for you when you need it. But sometimes they contact you or show interest only when they're bored or need your help. As soon as they no longer need anything, they disappear without any remorse. And if you have a problem, the most you'll hear is, "You're such a good person! You can handle everything."

If you notice this pattern, it's better to steer clear of such a friendship: you won't gain anything from it, only lose.

They know almost nothing about you

Let's be honest – they simply don't care to know. Even though you've been friends or in a relationship for a long time, they might constantly forget your birthday or important milestones in your life. This indicates that they aren't genuinely interested in getting to know you. They're only concerned with themselves and how they can benefit from being friends or being in a relationship with you.

They don't respect your boundaries

They unload all their problems on you and constantly ask you to do things for them, even when you're busy or unwilling. They use you as a dumping ground for their negative emotions. Perhaps they invite you for coffee out of the blue and then proceed to vent about all the negativity in their life. And when you suggest they see a therapist, they dismiss it, saying it won't help. Why spend money when you have "friends"?

They might borrow your belongings and not return them, or return them in a dirty state. They might ask to borrow money and forget to pay you back. These are all red flags that indicate they don't respect your boundaries and are taking advantage of your kindness.

A one-way street

You're always the one to reach out to them, initiate meetings, maintain the relationship, and adjust your plans according to their wishes. Congratulations, it's a one-sided affair. Because what does the other person do? Nothing! They don't reciprocate your efforts or express gratitude for your attention because they're content with the status quo.

You foot the bill

You go out for coffee or to the movies, and your "friend" or "partner" forgets their wallet – no problem, it's not a big deal for you to cover their expenses. You want to believe that they're just forgetful, and you're happy to assist them. But then the situation repeats itself, and it becomes a pattern. You feel uneasy, but you can't help it because you don't want to lose the friendship.

Maybe it's time to face the truth: this person is using you for your money.

What should you do?

Normally, human relationships involve interaction and mutual support. However, assistance should be voluntary, provided you have the opportunity, resources, and feel comfortable in the situation. Discomfort is a sign that you're being used. In such cases, it's crucial to trust yourself and your feelings.

Often, this stems from blurred personal boundaries. Everyone has their own red line – the point after which tension begins to build. For some people, these boundaries are clearer and stronger, and they can calmly express their discomfort. But for others, especially those who grew up in an environment where boundaries weren't respected, it may seem that others' needs are more important. Such individuals find it challenging to say "no" or set limits; they tolerate exploitation for a long time, and others take advantage of it. While such a person might eventually reach their breaking point, it will likely be much later, and they will suffer longer. This is undoubtedly an issue best addressed with a psychotherapist because it can be quite traumatic.

There are two ways out of such situations: you can view them as an opportunity for personal growth. Instead of avoiding them, express what you dislike or find strange. Treat it like an experiment to make it easier on yourself. Imagine it's a game – what if you enjoy it?

The second, more common option is to avoid it and pretend everything is fine.

Unfortunately, there are no other alternatives. Yes, it's not easy, but it's a chance to establish your boundaries so that you don't find yourself in similar ambiguous situations in the future.

Here's a little tip: when you sense some manipulation in a request, don't agree right away. Say you need time to think it over, consult with friends and family. This will give you space to understand the situation and make an informed decision.

Also, if you're afraid to say "no" because you worry about losing a friend or partner, consider whether you need someone who won't support you when you need it.

Remember, if you feel like your loved ones are manipulating you, making you feel guilty, or devaluing you, you're not imagining things. It might be happening. To verify it, pay attention to simple phrases that indicate signs of manipulation and control by the people you're interacting with.