How to learn to say "no": how to refuse people correctly

There is a category of people who find it difficult to say no not only to their family and friends, but also to colleagues and even strangers. Many people, as the saying goes, have no words to say no to a request. They immediately think that they are some kind of bad people if they refuse those they love. But is this really the case? This was reported by SSPDaily.

Unfortunately, many people, including loved ones, get used to being constantly helped and responding to requests, and abuse it, and do not want to solve their problems and issues on their own.

It is for such situations that you need to learn to say "no." Psychologists advise on how to learn this.

Why is it hard to say "no"

Most often, it is difficult for us to say no because:

• We are afraid to offend, upset, or fail to meet expectations.

• We are afraid of destroying relationships, of being seen as selfish.
• The human psyche perceives any refusal to someone as a refusal to oneself, but in fact, it is a refusal only to the request. Each of us is afraid of rejection and, accordingly, is afraid to reject others. If I say no to him, he will say no to me later.
• We do not know whether we have the right to refuse them; we do not know our own personal boundaries.

• We simply do not know how to say no. We have no experience of refusals, phrases, verbal constructions: clear, correct, without irritation and claims.
• You try to avoid any conflicts.

But the desire to avoid conflicts is not an indicator of a successful relationship, but rather a symptom of an unsuccessful relationship. It's better to recognize that the emergence of negative emotions between people is a natural process that you have to learn to deal with effectively.

How to learn to say no and not feel guilty

Experts suggest the following ways:

• Realize that you are not saying "no" to the person, but to their proposal, their actions, their words. This will allow you to avoid feeling guilty and ashamed of refusing.
• Develop sensitivity to your desires and interests. When you receive an offer or hear words addressed to you, realize that you are not interested, you do not have time, it harms you.

• Learn to value and respect yourself.
• Learn how to respond correctly to aggression and other rejection reactions. It can be different; not everyone understands that you are refusing an offer and do not want to offend the person.

And now for practical advice:

• Ask for time to respond, buy time. When you feel pressured, don't give in - buy time to be able to calm down and assess whether you really want to agree. The old adage: think before you say (or agree) is an important psychological tip. As soon as you learn to take time out before giving your answer to an invitation, demand, or request, your sense of control over the situation will increase. Use the following phrases and let them become your default responses to any inappropriate requests: "I need to check my schedule. I need to think about it. I'll let you know later/I'll text you later," "I need to talk to my husband, wife, partner to make sure we have plans for that day."

• Formulate your refusal correctly; use "I-messages." For example, "I'm pleased with your offer, but I have more important things to do right now, thank you for the offer."
• Refer to something else. If we refer to other obligations when we refuse, we maintain a good attitude, because we still look caring and generous. In response to a request, use "If I help you, I will let others down."
• Make a counteroffer: You can always make a counteroffer by recommending another resource or person who can help. "I'm not qualified to fulfill your request, but I know someone who can help you" or "This is not my area of expertise, but I know someone who can be helpful."
• Refer to a rule. For example, "I'm sorry, but I have a rule: I don't lend money." Your refusal may mean that you have some previous commitment that you don't want to break. When you decline an invitation with the words: "I'm sorry, but we have a rule in our family that we have dinner together every Friday," you are letting the person know that family rituals are above all else.